Using porn to get into a ladies undies

Wicked Pictures is really good at what they call "Couples Porn". You know, the kind of filth you can watch with your fuckin' wife and then trick her in to takin' one in the cornhole. Now, Spock Buckton don't really do "couples"... unless your talkin' about whackin' back a couple o' brews... but something told me this kinda shit might be useful to me someday.

This one's all about one of my heroes, a kick-ass dude named Randy Spears. I'm sure his character has a different name than Randy Spears in the actual movie but I could give a fuck about that. The point is, Randy Spears is a married dude but he doesn't let that control what his cock fucks. This one starts off with him slipping the high, hard one to jessica drake (his mistress) while she's bathing. Right off the bat, Spears is letting her know - scrub all you want, baby, but you'll never be able to wash this dick off of you. After that he goes home to his boring wife, Julia Ann. Rather than giving her cooze what for, he decides to just have a dream about how awesome it used to be when he could fuck her like a cool guy. Now she's all puffy and used-up and who needs that?! In the morning, some other stuff happens so the Spearsinator goes for a run to clear his head, but ends up having a heart attack! Whoa, Spearsy! We got 3 words for you - TOO MUCH FUCKIN'!

The rest of the movie kinda sucks dick because Randy Spears is in a coma and there's a bunch of talk about feelings and shit, but that's kind of besides the point. The main point here, is this is the kind of movie that you watch with a chick in order to make her spread her beave for you.

PERIOD.

I tried it the other night, with sexy results. There's this chick who's butthole I've been tryin' to spread for eons but I could never get her to come back to my lair. The other night I called her up and told her that I got a bootleg copy of that shitty License to Wed movie and she should get her ass over to club Spock before I decide to use it as a meth tray. The next thing I know, she's on my couch and I pop in Love Always.

"Let's warm up with this one," I say. "It's a woman movie."

Her panties are gettin' wet, Spock can smell it.

"Yeah, whatever," she replied. "I don't have to work tomorrow."

"I do," I think to myself. "I gotta work on getting your pussy stains off my sheets."

I could tell you how the rest of the night went, but Spock Buckton don't fuck and tell. Just let it be known that one of us had about 3 orgasms and his name was Spock.

Oh, and Meat Ball was in the closet the whole fuckin' time!

SPOCK, OUT!

Don't try to titty fuck your buddy's fat sister!

Hey fuck-o's! Spock Buckton here!

The one thing I've always loved about studios like 3rd Degree is they go the 100% gonzo route. No cheesy set-ups or plots. No saying "Hey girl, I like you" or "Yo lady, let's get carnal!" They cut right to the fuckin' chase, just like Spock does... or tries to at least. But, with Breast Seller 2 - like Breast Seller 1 before it -does is cut to the fuckin' chase even quicker! We're talking 34 scenes of big tit action and each scene starts either mid-fuck or mid-suck! I don't know about you, but that's the way I like it. I don't need no wussy strip tease or cock tease. I'll give you a fuck you tease! Let's get to the fuckin' action here! My favorite thing to do with this flick is get my cock real good and lubed up with butter (I ain't springin' for no fancy lube!) and then skip randomly from scene to scene never knowing what chest bananas might be bouncing in my face next. I guarantee maximum cum-splooging using this technique but you might want to do yourself a favor and savor the scene with Gianna and some other chick who I didn't really like looking at from behind but her cock-slinging skills were A+.

The best part about Breast Seller 2 was that it just made me really want to get in on some real-life titty fucking. The problem is, the hooker Spock's been keeping around the building is as flat-chested as Laura Dern and will only let me poke her in the ass. What's her beef? And why's her clit feel so fat? Anyway.... I called up my boy Meat Ball cuz I know his sister is hung like lady cow but with less tits. She just gots to be down for some zoob slammin'!

"Yo, Meat Ball. WAZZUP? Yo, can I come over and titty fuck your sister?"

Meat responds, "Okay, but like Meat Ball always says: wipe up your own jizz, fuckaz -'cause Meat Ball's comin' in after ya!"

I could tell you what happened with the rest of the night, but we're not allowed to talk about it until the trial.

Spock out, buttfucks!

Fucking your way through school? Hardly!

(for screwin’)

(for comedy)

Hey folks, it's Meat Ball comin' at ya (and cummin' on ya, if you're lucky). Sorry I ain't blogged in a few days. I've been in Mount Laurel, NJ, judging a "Best Toothless prostitute of New Jersey" pageant, and as you can imagine, Meat Ball had to get a whole lot of gum-jobs. It ate up my whole week, just about. Then I ate up some pussy and some hot provo-hoagies, so we're all good!

Anyway, forget all that shit. I gotta tell you about some pornos I was beatin' off to.

There’s one scene in this Best of College Invasion picture where some frat dude wins a contest and is supposed to get a blowjob as a prize from these two babes that I guess can’t make it in regular porn cause they’re too ugly. So, they’re down on their knees, fixing to get the guy’s wang in their mouth, and he keeps backing off, yelling to the crowd, “Yo, I can’t get this shit up!”

What a fuckin’ asshole. Spock and Meat Ball laughed so hard we nearly blew cum out of our noses.

What a mockery of human boners this movie was! I mean, Meat Ball and Spock didn’t go to college, but shit…isn’t college supposed to make you smart? We learned our lessons on the streets, and we made out pretty well doing it. Meat Ball’s fucking rich, and Spock B. scores the best weed in the state on a weekly basis. What’s more, winners like us know that you never turn away from a face-job, especially a fuckin’ free one! So what is a room full of your peers are watchin’? That’s the best fuckin’ way to screw! Good god, I’m getting my balls sucked right now while I type this, and Spock’s watching the whole god damn thing! And beating off to it. And taping it. Fuck, I'm jizzing all over the fuckin' room, and I couldn't give two shits!

Stupid fucking idiots.

After a while of this drunken farce of a porno, Spock got a little bored and said he was gonna go pick up some whores. Looking back, I should’ve joined him, but at the time, I just couldn’t stop watching these boozed-up morons getting their cocks (kind of) sucked, so I stayed in my easy chair and whacked off repeatedly for the next few hours. There are some decent scenes in this flick – the ones where the pros just fuck somebody in front of a room of boozed-up morons. Them shits are hot! The rest of this thing is just fucking laughable, but I gotta admit…Meat Ball found it hard to turn away. Most of these dudes are stupid and ugly. They all got the same stupid fuckin’ baseball hat, and they all have small cocks. There’s no reason on Earth a guy like Meat Ball should enjoy watching this sigma-delta-pi bullshit, but there I was…

Also, I was screwing this thing while I watched it:

A guy like Meat Ball can put up with just about anything when he’s got his wang in that thing!

Until next time, fuckaz…MEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAT BAAAAAAAAALLLL!

Hair Force One

Meat Ball here. I’ve been downtown all night picking up incredibly high priced pussy at some of the hot dance clubs we got around here. Spock and MB have been bouncing from club to club dropping hundred dollar bills down in front of any babes who’ll let us get a little bit of action. Spock’s only after a facejob or two from these cuties. He’s that kind of guy, he likes the deep throat and that’s all well and good, but when Meat Ball gets down, he gets down with the pussy!

Get this, though. These hot downtown nightclubs? All the girls that party in those clubs shave their beaves! I get ‘em into the bathroom with me, pay ‘em a few hundred and pull their panties down, and I’m like “What the fuck is this shit? Where’s the beave?”

I don’t actually yell that out loud, just think it while I’m boning the hairless babe (you didn’t think I’d not fuck it). It’s not bad. It’s fun to whack your wang into a silky and slippery smooth slit, but come on...maybe it’s cause Meat Ball usually fucks European chicks (Spock and MB are heading to the Hague in 6 weeks – be there!), but if there ain’t a little bit of fur on the field, it’s just not a complete pussy.

Eventually Spock and Meat Ball decide that these clubs are bullshit. Also, I’m all out of dough. I blew nearly eight hundred bucks on tonight's prostitutes, and didn’t even get a pube caught in my teeth. Feast on that act of violence! What-the-fuck-ever, right? Spock and I go back to the Meat Pad to do some meth. After we’re high as kites, Spock heads into the other room to play Galaga or steal some of my meth or something, and I decide that it’s time for Meat Ball to whack off!

For a while now, the trend in the fuck-flick biz seems to lean towards hairless honeys, but every now and then some awesome flicks pops through and I go to whack-job heaven. And I’m not talking about those nasty fetish movies that are full of ugly chicks with beards and hairy knees and shit. I’m talking about a totally hot, A-list fuck-movie with plenty of bushy pubic hair! This Hair Force One from 3rd Degree is sent straight from cooze heaven! My personal favorite from this fine film is the scene between Helena Bush and Franco Roccaforte. She’s perky, skinny, sexy and she’s got a bush to die for. I nearly blew my load with envy when I saw Franco ramming his thick black monster into that furry little box. That chick fucks like a wildcat, and she had me jizzing with enthusiasm after about ten minutes. There’s really only one small drawback with this otherwise fantastic scene: she never gets fucked in the ass. I’m sitting there watching that hairy beave get plowed in ever position, and I’m thinking, “Okay, Franco. Now fuck her fur-framed asshole!”, but damn it…it never happens! That’s okay, though. The rest of the movie is loaded with ass-sex (plus a couple awesome DPs), so I got my rectal fix elsewhere.

So, to sum it up, this movie fucking rocks. Here’s what you really need to know :

• Bushy beavers attached to gorgeous babes, not the usual ug-mo’s that you find in hair films. This is a high-end hair film! Finally!
• Lots of anal and DP action.
• This shit’s 100% interracial. Not a white cock in sight!
• Brown and blonde bush! Oh, man, do I love a strawberry blonde pussy!

That ought to give you a pretty good idea what you’re in for with this one.

Anyway, Meat Ball’s outta here. Later on tonight, I’m gonna be prowlin’ the streets, looking for some more beave to sink my face into. My pal Spock just got some really good weed, so we’re gonna get fuckin’ high and then head on down by the waterfront (everybody knows that’s where the bushy prostitutes are at). Until next time, fuckaz! MEEEEEEEEEAAAAAT BALLLL!

Housewife One on One 4

I'm not going to lie to you here... I've been whacking it hardcore to this movie for at least a year straight and I'll tell you why... it's a reminder. This one says to me -"No matter what... don't you get married again you fucking bastard!" See, there's part of Spock Buckton that wants to settle down and get married... again. But then there's a conflicting part of Spock Buckton that isn't quite sure if his wallet and ulcer could handle that again. Then there's a third part of Spock Buckton that loves putting his dick in glory holes just to relieve the cum build-up. Plus, if I'd get hitched again that'd put my days of doin' lines with Meat Ball to a premature end. Luckily, I've got movies like this to set my mind straight and remind me that all wives are just sluts in hibernation.

The set up's pretty simple with this one: Husband comes home to find his wife is either leaving him or has fucked up his car or some shit. The wife realizes that her only way out of it is by adding hubby's dick to any number of her heat holes. Kinda boring, right? Then why the fuck do I rub one out to it almost every day?

The answer is... Spock Buckton is drunk (or high) every single day.

I'm sure you're all familiar with the concept of beer goggles. That's the only way I can explain why I can't go 24 hours without spraying cum all over my TV while this disc plays. I'll come home after a night at the races with Meat Ball hungry for some puss. Half the time, I've run out of hooker money and my minutes are gone on my cell. So, it's to the DVD player I go! The scene that gets me every time is the one with Tyla Wynn.

TYLA WYNN?!!

I don't know if any of you dudes have had the (dis)pleasure of seeing this girl in action but she is UGLY AS FUCK!! She's so ugly that when she was born, the doctor puked on the mom's bleeding pussy (causing irreparable damage) and the nurse cauterized her snatch shut just to assure that she would never be cursed with a baby so gross. Yes friends, she's nasty. But you know what? When I'm drunk as shit, this hag turns me on. Granted, most of this is based on her luscious tits and boner-inducing dirty talk but (God help me)I actually want to fuck this freak of nature. And not only would I fuck her... I would run over my own mother with a roto-tiller just for a taste of Tyla's dirty cooze. I can be suffering from extreme drunk-dick and Tyla can make me spray in under 3 minutes! It's as if I've finally been able to look past what may be unbecoming physical features to a delicate flower that lies beneath the surface.

But then the shame comes. Deep, dark guilt. The kind that makes you want to apologize to your Grandparents for some reason.

Luckily, by the time the shame sets in I've sobered up a bit, found a bag of meth and I’m on my way to Meat Ball's house. He's always got hooker money... and fucked up masks.

~Spock Buckton

X-Girls

Hope the weather’s nice where you’re at. It’s pouring rain here in Meat Ball’s neighborhood. It makes it tough to go out and pick up a hot piece a’ butt for Meat Ball to groove his wang into, you know? I mean, I sure as shit love getting hookers, make no mistake, but you don’t see many hookers out hustlin’ in the pouring rain. Days like this, a fella like Meat Ball likes to order some hot Italian sausage with provolone, relax in his easy chair, lube up his wang and indulge in two of his favorite pastimes: comic books and porno movies. Imagine Meat Ball’s surprise when he found a great new movie that combined Meat Ball’s greatest loves. That’s right, folks, I’m talking about X-Girls.

A lot of comic nerds feel that Bryan Singer’s X-Men films are the apex of the genre; a sophisticated yet extravagant action/adventure series with a deep emotional core. Thing is, when compared to Private’s new blockbuster, X-Girls, Singer’s films just can’t compete. Meat Ball’s gonna break it down, one piece at a time :

• Singer’s films feature Wolverine, played by Hugh Jackman. He smokes cigars and beats people up. X-Girls features Detrack Girl, played by Priva. She gets fucked. A lot. In the ass!
  X-Men: 0, X-Girls: 1
• Singer’s X-Men films feature state-of-the-art special effects. Cyclops’ eye blasts, Storm’s crazy weather powers, Magneto’s…um…magnets. X-Girls, on the other hand, features a lot of hot chicks getting fucked. In the ass!
  X-Men: 0, X-Girls: 2
• X-Men is faithful to the comic book and packed with cameos by fringe characters, which immensely pleases most comic book fans. X-Girls, on the other hand, isn’t actually based on any comic book. It’s actually based on the concept that dudes like Meat Ball and Spock Buckton like to watch chicks getting fucked. In the ass!
  X-Men: 0, X-Girls: 3
• X-Men has not only a stunning lack of ass-fuckery, but a complete lack of onscreen sex altogether, if you can believe it! X-Girls is packed with hot chicks getting their pussies pounded ‘till they’re swollen. If that ain’t enough, just about every one of ‘em also gets fucked…you guessed it…in the ass! To be fair, I haven’t watched the bonus footage on any of the X-Men movies. It’s entirely possible that there are deleted scenes featuring Wolverine fucking somebody up the ass, but I doubt it.
  X-Men: 0, X-Girls: 4
• X-Men doesn’t have one fucking scene where anybody drinks cum! What the fuck?
  X-Men: 0, X-Girls: 5

So, it’s pretty clear, right? I love the X-Men comics and movies, and I mean I really love them, but you really can’t jack off to ‘em. I popped X-Girls in the old DVD player and nearly broke the old meat wrist, I was jacking it so fucking hard to this one. The highlight is definitely Priva’s hot DP action towards the end of the film. I don’t know if I’ve come across anything hotter all year than watching that sexy superslut take a stiff Euro-wang up each of her holes. They say that there’s a Wolverine spinoff in the works. Who knows? Maybe it will be full of cum-chugging and ass-fucking. For now, though, stick with X-Girls.

Looks like the rain is settling down, so I’m gonna smoke some weed, call up Spock B., and hit the streets to see if Meat Ball can’t find some toothless ho’ to give him some inexpensive pleasure. Until next time, fuckaz…MEEEEEEEEAAAAAT BAAAAAAAAAALLLL!

Head Case 2

Spock's lingo of the day:

mask (n.)
1. a covering for all or part of the face, worn to conceal one's identity.
2. a grotesque or humorous false face worn at a carnival, masquerade, etc.: Halloween masks.
3. oral sex, blow job, hummer, face fuck, dick suck: Lord Chestington would often receive mask from his butler, Geves, without the knowledge of the Lady Chestington (who ironically was giving mask to Geves at the same time.)

All I wanted was a little mask. I’d been dating this girl for a few days and the only fucking action I’m getting is lame-ass hand jobs and boring intercourse. Now, Spock Buckton ain’t no misogynist, I fuckin’ eat pussy! But when I’m waiting five or six days and my wang hasn’t tickled any tonsils I start asking myself – “What the fuck are you eating this pussy for... WHERE’S SPOCK’S MASK?!!"

So, I decided to go on oral strike. No more vag-guzzling for Spock. She started complaining and all I’d respond with is – “Shut it lady, fuckin’ LOST is on!” (At Spock’s place, LOST is always on.) I knew it wouldn’t be long before she’d be choking on my log. After the end of the season finale (WTF…by the way!) I decided to start touching her pussa with my hand (but no kissing… them’s the rules) and before I know it she’s whipping out a condom and wanting to fuck. That made me fuckin’ snap. I pushed her off me, told her to “Stop fuckin’,” grabbed my copy of 3rd Degree’s Head Case 2 and went over to my laptop to whack off.

Here’s the 5 things I dig most about Head Case 2:

1. No kissing
2. Lots of dirty talk
3. No (pussy) sex
4. Pretending that it's me titty fucking Harmony
5. The “popping” noise that Sasha Grey makes when she’s sucking cock.

So, she's watching me whack off and then gets all fucking pissed. What'd she expect?

“So is this what you’re into…porno and blow jobs?”

Fuck yeah, lady! Spock loooooves getting mask and sometimes JUST mask! No boring fucking, kissing and pussy eating. Sometimes, I just want you to put on some ugly, tight, fluorescent, whore clothes and wriggle around for awhile. Maybe you want to show me your cunt but Spock ain’t touching that thing right now. It’s all about my POV, my cock and you hiding it with the wettest hole in your face!

She didn’t like that too much… they never do. But it’s cool, I just called up Meat Ball and we crushed up some miscellaneous pills and put in our Winesky (that’s ½ wine, ½ whiskey, no ice).

You know what I say? Bullshit on her. She was most likely a lesbian anyway. At least I’ve got porn to keep me cumming...as long as TLA keeps giving me freebies... and they'd better cuz I've got dirt on those fuckers.

Long story short… 3rd Degree’s Head Case 2 is a fuck of a lot better than some girl who won’t suck you off. And let’s face it fellas, after awhile they all stop sucking you off so you might as well pick this one up and get it over with. It’s fucking awesome, it's and it’s made me cum at least 16 times in the past two weeks and that’s more than I can say of any woman.

-Spock Buckton